The End of the World

Is the world coming to an end?

Does anyone else notice how strange people are acting? If I were a religious man, I just might grab a piece of cardboard; make myself a sign. Go join the crazy guy on Pike Street warning of the Apocalypse.

Remember George W. Bush the evangelical free market preacher? Denouncing Vladimir Putin for nationalizing industries? So is it normal to wake up one morning and see our high priest of free commerce nationalizing our banks, and our auto industry? Well, OK. I hear you. “Politics was always crazy.”

So I heard a new word the other day, "revirginization". Two words really, “revirginization and "hymenoplasty". (I remember a simpler time, when old women faked this game in Sicily and parts of Greece, with white sheets and cow's blood.) So, I'm wondering, with this new craze in sexual etiquette. Are Muslims the new Catholics?

Remember when Catholics were the crazies we were afraid would move in next door? Remember when it was a Catholic we feared would get into the White House? He’ll build a tunnel to the Vatican? Take orders from the Pope! They’ll have runners going back and forth.

I heard a scheme the other day, where Barack Obama might make Iraq and Afghanistan the 51st and 52nd state. Bang, all the troops are home already. Problem solved.

There is a 19-year-old kid in Boulder, Colorado, who ran naked down the Boulder Mall with 150 other pranksters with pumpkins on their heads. They were having fun, but he got arrested. He could be charged as a sex offender. Really?

In Mexico, 4500 people have died in one year in a drug cartel war. Many of them doctors, journalists and police. Something like 8 million Americans are in jail, many just for buying these drugs. I seem to remember a lot of people dying in Chicago during Prohibition. Remember?

Somebody is importing 4 inch long hissing cockroaches from Madagascar into Florida for reptile food. I mean, what if those suckers get loose? New York gets invaded by 4 inch long hissing fucking cockroaches? Does no one else see this coming? Let your iguanas eat hamburger!

George W. Bush, Jerry Falwell, and Oral Roberts had a buddy. He was a rising young evangelical named Carlton Pearson. They had him to the White House. Had him on TV. But one day Carlton woke up and realized he’d been lying to his congregation. Preaching they might go to hell, if they did not obey. Carlton had a revelation. He showed up in the pulpit one Sunday, and told his congregation what he had learned. The truth was, if you want to see hell? Turn on your TV. That’s hell.

Carlton had seen the light. It was not Muslims and Gay people. His evangelical buddies however, had moved away from him on the Group W Bench. Carlton was a crazy man. He was now dangerous.

There's a woman in Illinois, who's been living in a house with her three dead siblings for the last three decades. Nobody noticed.

Our best-loved American female icon, Angelina Jolie, keeps a vial of her ex-husband, Billy Bob's, blood with her. She is working on having seven children. She’s got scars on her abdomen from a satanic love ritual performed with an early boyfriend. And we want to be just like her.

Scientists predict the world's population will be 7 billion in 13 years. Children have become fashion accessories. Three out of five kids in America move back with their parents after finishing college with NO CLUE what to do next.

The National Enquirer says it has gotten a hold of a discarded poopy diaper from John Edwards’ self-confessed lover and now only needs a hair from his comb or a cup he drank from to nail the mother fucker for paternity.

There is a 76 year old woman in North Carolina, who is accused of plotting to kill her fourth husband. She looks like Phyllis Diller on steroids. Somebody's figured out she maybe killed the other three husbands. What was the attraction? I’m thinking of a reality TV show to find the fifth hubby. Let’s call it, “Who Wants to Sleep with the Praying Mantis?”

So I grab my cardboard and a big fat marker off the desk. But there lies a copy of Barbara Tuchman's, March of Folly. I open it randomly. I read. What a bunch of boneheads.

I realize, history repeats itself. There is nothing unusual here. This is all perfectly normal.

What a relief!

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