HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year. And by golly, we all have a lot to be happy about. For example, we don't have to feel guilty about driving our gas guzzling SUV’s anymore. It turns out Global Warming, the extinction of the polar bears, and the melting of the polar ice caps are all being caused by cows farting and overheating the planet. How did the scientist miss this? Any fourth grade boy knows a good fart and a Zippo lighter converts any asshole into a World War II vintage flame thrower. So, when Barack Obama takes office, he might be able to talk the Iranians into giving up their nuclear ambitions; they can run their country’s energy program on cow farts.

And while we, here in the USA, have been focused on Al-Qaeda, those slippery Iranians were busy taking down the Guinness World Records award for the largest sandwich. They built a 700 meter long ostrich meat hoagie, but before the Guinness guys could get a precise measurement, the crowd of bystanders ate it.

George Bush can claim credit for beating Al-Qaeda at its own game. They've been threatening to destroy our economy. So George took matters into his own hands and went ahead and destroyed it himself. So long, George. We will miss you.

Those cute Obama girls are heading for the White House. Amy Carter could give them a little advice since she was just nine years old when she went to live in the White House. Amy, now 41, however, enjoyed the experience so thoroughly, that she refuses to be interviewed by anyone, anywhere, any time, forever. Good luck girls.

And some bad news. Worse than Eliot Spitzer. Worse than Blagojevich. It turns out our new president smokes cigarettes.

Angelina Jolie is worried for her husband, Brad Pitt's reputation. It seems he's been practicing deep channeling, hoping to gain insight by communicating with the dead. According to the American Funeral Association, there is an easier way. There is a sharp rise amongst people under 40 years of age, in burying their loved ones with their cell phones turned on, in hopes of keeping the connection. I hope they remember to put the charger in the casket with a long extension cord.

As for us baby boomers, the good news, according to Johns Hopkins Research, is that hallucinogenic mushrooms, consumed even decades earlier, can still make you a happier person in old age. Sushi, on the other hand, is an excellent way of pushing your mercury level into the high risk zone. Sexy models, it turns out, don't just make women feel inadequate. They have the same effect on men. We all feel equally inadequate around sexy models. Bravo for equality.

Amongst married couples in their 20s, there has been a sharp rise in infidelity. The girls are catching up with the boys. Women's infidelity is up 20%, while men's infidelity is up 45%. Keep trying ladies. As for us guys, Madonna's ex-husband just won a divorce settlement for over $75 million. I'll just bet he's happy.

White wine is just as good for your health as red wine. Does that mean Germans can keep eating sausages?

The economy is in the toilet, but some say this will bring Americans back to their senses, reestablishing family values, and stopping our obsession with consumerism. The news hasn’t reached Wal-Mart, though, where a 270 pound, 6 foot 5 inch, seasonal employee was trampled by a shrieking mob charging into the store trying to get a good deal on a flat screen TV.

One economic writer recommends bringing back dumpster diving, as a recreational activity. Darned if people don't throw away a lot of perfectly good stuff. So lose the metal detector. The real value is in garbage gleaning.

Joe the Plumber’s back. I know. Thank heaven we haven't lost him. He has been reincarnated as a political blogger. And we can always hope Sarah Palin shows up in the Senate?

The mayor of Seattle wants to ban guns in public parks and at festivals. But there's a mom in Pennsylvania who won a court battle giving her the right to pack her rod when attending her five year old’s soccer games, proving we live in the land of the free. But, I can't help wondering, what would've happened to me if I threw my shoes, first one, then the other, at the president of the United States. God bless America.

So, you see what I'm saying. It's a New Year. And we sure have a lot to be happy about.