Mr. President's Dog

Dear Mr. President,

The inauguration is over. I know you have a lot on your plate. You are surrounded by the best and the brightest, but it came to my attention that there is one thing you may know very little about. The vice president of the American Dog Breeders Association says you are a novice when it comes to dogs.

On the campaign trail you told your girls you would get them a dog. I know your daughter Malia has allergies, so populist or not, you probably won't be getting a mutt from the pound. I want to alert you to some of the political pitfalls associated with this big executive decision.

First some history:

Our forefathers and other inhabitants of the bungalow, as Ronald Reagan called the White House, have a long tradition of furry, feathery, and scaly friends. Woodrow Wilson kept a tobacco chewing ram, which grazed on the White House lawn. Teddy Roosevelt had a lion, a hyena, a wildcat, five Bears, two parrots, a zebra, snakes, lizards, an owl, rats, roosters, and a raccoon. Ulysses S. Grant kept his favorite horse, Cincinnatus. John Quincy Adams had an alligator. And James Buchanan had a herd of elephants.

Ronald Reagan loved his dogs, but ran into trouble when he got Lucky, a rambunctious Bouvier de Flandres, who dragged him all over the White House lawn, humiliating him in front of Margaret Thatcher. That may have had more to do with Mrs. Thatcher than the dog.

Bill Clinton said his dog, Buddy, and his cat, Socks, were his only friends during his impeachment over presidential hanky-panky. LBJ got into trouble with the public for lifting his beagles by their ears, proclaiming, "They love it." Jimmy Carter had a cat named Misty Mullarkey Yin Yang. President Carter lasted only one term.

I have heard that there is a well intentioned group pressuring you toward a Goldendoodle. I want to warn you against people bearing gifts that look like dogs. Most of these people are really lobbyists. They are trying to get favors for their favorite breed.

Some say, because of your daughter's allergies, you are leaning toward a poodle. Be careful. You may be able to handle the Congress, the Senate, and even Hillary Clinton, but no one can outsmart a poodle.

Your multicultural background will no doubt steer you toward one of the many hybrids.You may look at a Schnoodle, or a Cadoodle, or a Chi-Poo, a Labradoodle, a pekepoo, or even the before mentioned Goldendoodle. But please Mr. President, stay away from the Pinny-Poo, the Bolonoodle, and the Bich-poo. The potential for embarrassing word play is a mine field. And nobody wants their president to have a dog that sounds like a Bowl-of-Noodles.

Also, how safe will Americans feel when Iran's President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is watching you, Mr. President, on CNN, walking a Foodle or a Pugapoo?

I think you need a dog that looks more like a wolf, or a bear, or a Siberian sled dog, rather than a handbag.

This decision you are about to make could be a matter of national security. Think of the repercussions of selecting a Chi-Weenie. Please don't pick any dog that may be descended from a jackal, a coyote, or a dingo. Ultimately it is your decision, Mr. President. Be firm. Be decisive. Be presidential. But for heaven's sake, please get a real dog.