Help

There is a man who comes to my door asking for work on a regular basis. He’s about 29, strong, intelligent – and manipulative. He reminds me of my friend Jerry.

Jerry and I bonded in our youth over drugs, rock music, and literature, and we stayed in touch through the years. One Christmas when I called him, his wife said he didn’t live there any longer. She gave me his new phone number.

Jerry was in a halfway house. “They’re going to send me to prison if I can’t raise $2300,” he explained. “I’m a junkie.”

I wired him the money the next day.

A compassionate synagogue had hired him to teach the Talmud, but his best friends were still his dealers. Another call came in from Jerry: he needed $600, fast.

“Jerry,” I said, “your working me.”

“Oh. OK,” he said. And the phone went dead.

That was two years ago. I still feel guilty.

Now this fellow comes to my door. I can tell he is “working” our middle-class neighborhood. The first time he knocked, I got his story: he was waiting for low-cost housing and sleeping in his car. He just needed to make it through one more week. That was a year ago.

One time I agreed to let him rake my leaves and, feeling generous, overpaid him by $20. Then I discovered he had piled the leaves in with the recycling, and it took me an hour to sort the mess out. Lately he’s started ringing my doorbell at night, and when I answer, he’s lying prostrate on the porch, asking for food and money.

I’m not the only one whose door bell he rings.

“When I offered him a bagel with cream cheese,” one neighbor said, “he told me he would prefer a meat sandwich. And then he borrowed – and lost – our lawnmower.”

I’ve been taught you should give without questioning, never expecting anything in return, but I’ve started to ignore my doorbell. I’ve missed two friends’ visits and a UPS delivery already.

Why do I feel guilty?

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Originally published in The Sun Magazine

Is That Legal?

Not to be outdone by lawmakers in our nation’s capital, Washington state legislators are tackling some tough civil rights legislation. For instance, House Bill 1606, wants to take away your right to poop on public transit. This actually sounds like a good idea. If you’ve never unloaded on a metro bus, and I hope you haven’t, it may soon be too late. Why this sudden fervor to decrease public defecation? Perhaps it is the unveiling of our new 2009 Link-Light Rail. Someone might actually want to ride on this train, since we are paying $2 billion dollars for it.

On the flip side, it is against the law to light up a doobie on any type of public transit. House Bill 1177 reduces the penalty of possessing 1.4 ounces, or less, of weed to a civil infraction with a $100 fine, rather than up to 90 days in the cooler. Move over British Columbia; here comes Seattle. But check your bus schedule and toke up before the bus comes. Thanks to Initiative 901, the smoking ban, you can’t be smoking no doobie on public transit.

Due to yet another public initiative, Seattle can not charge the planned twenty cents for a disposable paper or plastic sack to carry your beer and Ding Dongs home. We citizens stomped that scheme. Now House Bill 1154 forbids any city or town in Washington from ever dreaming about charging a fee on unnecessary waste. Bravo. You can’t push us (read Weyerhaeuser) around! This ain’t California, you know!

We have all improved our homes, weaning ourselves from the warm glow of incandescent light, replacing our bulbs with compact fluorescent energy-savers, with illumination so unkind, that people we love appear bloodless and infirm. If installed in the bedroom, they double for birth control. An added plus, the rest of your home now has all the allure of a neighborhood Walgreens. They don’t work with dimmers. They are not recommended if you turn your lights off and on. Nor if you have ceiling cans. And to cap it all, they are hard to toss, because they contain mercury. But other than that, we love them. House Bill 1469 will force whoever created these wonderful alternatives to take them back when we’re done with them.

We now have the right to die with dignity, thanks to I-1000. Thank you Oregon, for pioneering the way, giving us the same rights our pets have had for years.

Meanwhile, our legislators are busy drafting ground-breaking Senate Bill 5063, allowing tins of ashes containing the remains of your favorite furry friends to be buried right alongside the tins of ashes containing YOU. That’s right. Until now it was legal to poop on a bus, but it was illegal to share a grave intended for humans, with another species. Demonstrating the need for this legislation, twenty Washingtonians chose to inter their human ashes at Pethaven Cemetery in Kent, WA, rather than miss out on spending eternity alongside their cat, little Miss Stinkybottom. Cat lovers rejoice. But not you birds, lizards, and snakes. No frogs. No turtles. Without further legislation, you guys are spending eternity in the backyard.

Robots Amongst Us

Do you know what makes me mad; people who go all Lou Dobbs about robots. People who say things like: All robots look alike. Robots should speak English. Robots are taking all the jobs. Robots don’t pay enough taxes. Robots reproduce like bunnies. I don’t want my child playing with a robot, or goodness gracious, marrying a robot.

An acquaintance of mine, who discriminates against robots, but never actually met one, received a Roomba for Christmas “I pushed its power button,” she said. “It was so cute when it sounded the “charge,” and scurried across the floor gobbling up dust bunnies. I love Roomba,” she said. “But I still don’t like robots.” It is typical to think that your robot is somehow different from other robots. Those other robots can not be trusted.

It may take another generation, one where our children are raised amongst robots, for them to gain acceptance. Like the washing machine and the automobile, robots are part of our future.

It is true that robots can be hard to tell apart. I remember Sarah Connor in Terminator II. She damn near wet her pants when a series 800-Model 101 showed up, a few years after she'd sent its twin to the scrap heap. Given a little time, however, she got acquainted with the big, muscle-bound machine. She fantasized about keeping him on as dad and husband. After all, he got along well with the boy, was a good provider, and would stop at nothing to protect her family.

Although robots are loyal and dependable, they do screw up once in a while. I'm thinking of HAL in 2001, A Space Odyssey. He definitely made a mistake of judgment. I still think he deserved a second chance? For every HAL, there are dozens of R2-D2’s and 3CPO’s. And that cute little WALL-E.

Occasionally, there is a bad egg, like ED-209 in RoboCop. Or the Battle Droids in Star Wars. But are they worse than rottweilers and pit bulls? Surely, some of them can be rehabilitated, and make good pets.

From an economic point of view, you can’t beat robots. They work day and night. They rarely call in sick. They add to the nation’s GDP, and don’t require pensions or health care. They crunch numbers like crazy and rarely have math anxiety. RoboDoc performs delicate surgeries 24/7 and he never gets the shakes.

But, you ask, “What if they go into politics?” Will they impose their culture, their language, and their way of life on us? Forget about it. No one can resist Big Macs, vacations to Disneyland, and shopping at Walmart. This is America..

Face it, robots are here to stay. They are willing to do ANYTHING. They make great maids and gardeners, sweepers and scrubbers, mowers and choppers. There are robots that care for the elderly, wash their dirty bottoms and soon perhaps, play Yahtzee with them. There are robots that imitate pets yet don’t require walks nor litter boxes. Even robots that’ll go the fridge, grab a cold beer, and bring it to you. If it’s eager to watch the Super Bowl, and play Wii Tennis, you got yourself a great roommate.

As far as intermarriage with a robot, didn’t they try that in The Stepford Wives? Maybe it was just too soon.

Want more about Robots?
Housework
Elder Care
Surgery
Gadgets
At the Movies
Robot Conducts Symphony
The Sensitive Side of Robots